Segway

My roommate and I rode our bikes downtown to see a concert at Millennium Park. It was a pretty popular show, it was free, and it was a nice day out, so what do you expect but lots of people riding their bikes?

We arrive and the bike racks are minimal, and those that are around are literally stuffed full already. But, if you know Millennium Park, you'd agree that there are tons of fences around to which one could lock his or her bike. 

Once we find a spot on the fence, we begin to walk away when we hear a 'swish' and a 'swooosh'- a breeze blows through the trees- there's a flash of yellow from behind...

Whoa! Is it a superhero? No. It's a segway security guard coasting to a stop on the sidewalk and hovering over us with a goofy grin on his face.. 

"Hey," I say as the nerd balances on his behemoth piece of machinery. The segway elevates him, making him a few feet taller than me, but he seems to believe this point of view is simply part of his genes. He obviously thinks he's better than everyone he's zoomed by throughout the day and the giant rubber wheels on his transportation-contraption are an extension of... well, whatever other giant things he is lacking. As he stares down at us, he adjusts his belt around his big belly and begins to pull a pad of paper out from his pocket.

"Uh. What are you doing?" I ask. 

"I'm about to write you a ticket," the jerkface says.

"Uh. For what?"

"Locking your bikes to this fence."

We proceed to argue a little... I tell him that this stupid park should be more accommodating to bikers and at least post a sign on the fence if this is the rule. He proceeds to tell us the ticket would cost us $300. I say this is stupid. He proceeds to say he was just kidding- our lock would just be cut and the bikes would go to city lost and found if we didn't move them. I say this is also stupid. He proceeds to tell us we should get a segway, because they're just plain better than a bike. I proceed to ask him where he would lock up his segway if he had to. He proceeds to claim he never gets off his segway. I proceed to punch him in the face... not really, though.

In the end, the guy won. We shoved our bikes in somewhere else and he scooted around on a major power trip. So it would seem that today I got bossed around by the most disrespected form of authority the United States has ever known- a security guard on a segway.